I promised you all that I would occasionally interrupt my running posts to give you some stories about the rest of my life, so below is a post I wrote a few years ago about how dating life can go in D.C.
The ridiculous things that have happened to me in dating have become infamous among my friends. I have a friend who works in professional improv in Chicago and she once asked to use one of my dating stories for a skit, if that tells you anything about how "great" dates typically go for me. I also have another friend who teaches college students and admitted he tells my stories to them to make them feel like IT COULD BE WORSE in their own lives.... So now I feel a sort of duty to keep sharing these mishaps, since it obviously serves a greater humanitarian purpose....
I already posted about that time a guy asked me to drive 40 minutes away to meet him for breakfast at Panera, then proceeded to be obsessed with my former cover band and finally made a comment about my height HERE. However, he's just one of my adventures!
I once went out with a guy a few times and decided I just didn't see a future and I ended things. Later, he sent me a text something to the effect of "You know, I have a pretty impressive resume. But I really liked you."
Wha? Resume?? That was possibly one of the most DC things he could have said. I think he meant dating resume and was trying to point out that he had, and still could, date a ton of women...so I should ...feel ...honored-? That I made the list of bullets to be added to said resume?
Yep, deeefinitely standing by my original "let's not date each other" statement. That plan is still a go.
I love you....um, vacuum cleaner-!
I'm very expressive. And I sometimes exclaim things like "oh my gosh I LOVE you!" if someone does something nice for me. Which, has never really felt awkward until I was in a new relationship several years ago. And I really liked this guy. And he and I both knew we both had commitment issues so we were treading lightly around too much talk of feelings.
Then one day, he offered to put together the new vacuum cleaner I had just bought. And I hate putting things together so I was very grateful for someone else to do this. So as I'm sitting on the couch, and he puts the last piece in place in the middle of my living room, I blurt out "I LOVE YOU"
then immediately bury my face in horror.
"I mean! I love...I didn't mean! ...waaahhh" His face registered shock and amusement and we ended up laughing about it and I thought I had convinced him that I did not mean LOVE, love. Because that would be crazy. So I thought it was fine.
...until the next day when he asked me to make sure the vacuum even worked because he "blacked out after the L bomb" and couldn't even remember if he finished putting it together.
(and I later realized he had put a part on upside down. I must've really scared the crap out of this guy!)
Note to self - wait until after all the manual labor is over before scaring off a mate.
(The poor guy took more abuse before our relationship finally ended included having to explain to his entire family why there was a women's earring laying perfectly innocently on his couch cushion when they happened to all come over for a get together right after I left. My earring had fallen out without me knowing, but he of course thought it was on purpose and a way of "marking my territory." Sigh.
Another time, when he was introducing me to his mother, I got so nervous getting ready beforehand that I forgot to mention that I had a HOT CURLING IRON plugged into his bathroom wall. He definitely found out the hard way when he put his hand on it in the dark.
Funny enough, he isn't even the one who ended that relationship....could ya blame him if he had though??)
I started talking to a guy and we exchanged numbers but getting him to talk about anything was like pulling teeth so I stopped replying. He then sent a text that just said "Hey :)" every day for a week and then once a week for about a month. He then sent a "Hey" (sometimes with a smiley face, sometimes without) text once a month for six months straight.
All without ever getting a single reply from me.
You just can't make this stuff up.
I have been known to try to end things with someone only to either end up going back out with them or have them flat out refuse to take no for an answer. I call these guys BUBs (Break Up Blockers). The first one I met was at a Christmas party. After he shared way too much about his relationship challenges and after he said, and I quote, "I'm now emotionally and mentally available" I literally told him that -
(at least not for him, but I left that part out)
He then continued to ask me to have coffee with him until I caved and finally gave him my number. (I mean he was really attractive - and I was kind of curious what else he'd confide in me about).
After the party, he texted "hey, totally understand about what you said but I'd love to get coffee" I reiterated back "yes, as long as you understand that I'm not looking to date, then coffee is fine." To which he replied "You're too hard on yourself. You are a fun, smart sexy catch ;) and I'd love to get coffee."
What just happened?
I wanted to reply "I didn't say I don't feel confident enough to date you I said I wasn't emotionally available to you."
I let it go. We'll see if he has the persistence of Hey guy....
And Those With Nicknames
BUB isn't the only nickname I've used for men. My former roommate and I used to always nickname different ones so we could talk in code if need be. "Puppy" earned his because of his excessive use of exclamation points and emoticons in his emails, making it seem like he was constantly jumping up and down in our conversations like an excited puppy. "Clefty" had a cleft in his chin like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast (which I actually found attractive). There was Pookie, Cookie, Varkie, PG-13 Booty Call, JFK...Bashful, Doc, Dopey (ok, I lied about those). I'm like the Snow White of the D.C. dating world.
And the list is continuously added to. Like the guy I met years ago when I ended up going from one Holiday reception to another to another place to yet another place, all in the same night. I met this nice young man at Event #2, and he then followed me to events #3 and #4 and then got my number to plan more dates. Event #2 was a Young Republicans event and Event #4 was salsa dancing at a place near Dupont Circle. Anyway, since I only knew this guy's first name ("Joel"), he then lived in my phone as:
Joel Salsa Young Republican.
Ah. The dwarf list continues!
So the nicknames are getting weirder, let's hope the stories don't. Not sure how much more I'm willing to give to humanity in this particular area.....
(Have a strange dating story? Share below or email me! Misery loves company!)